WORDS WITHSMALL BUSINESS. UNREASONABLY GOOD LINES.
For cafés, trades, and other small businesses with something worth saying. You bring the details; we turn them into captions you can review and post. Sincere, sarcastic, or a little off the menu.
WHO’S BEHIND THE WORDS
I’ve spent 25 years in highway construction as an operating engineer and about a year and a half as a café owner. Off the Menu Media brings that small-business perspective to writing posts for people with a business to run.
FROM EARLIER CAFÉ WRITING
Short excerpts from earlier collaborative writing developed with Jason for Merrillan Cafe. These are historical samples, not current promotions. The labels distinguish what was posted from what was selected or approved.
“You ever try writing a Labor Day post for Merrillan Cafe? Don’t. It’s like trying to fry an egg on a tilted griddle — no matter how good you think it looks, Jason’s gonna say, ‘Hate it. Do it again.’”
Written from the assistant’s perspective. Jason confirmed using this post.
“You thought you knew love… until Sunday lunch walked in wearing gravy.”
Opening from the liver-and-onions romance Jason selected for polishing. Publication was not verified.
“Today’s sarcasm is operating on limited hours.”
“Come hungry. Leave grateful.”
Opening and closing of an approved tribute that included sincere thanks to the fallen and their families. Publication was not verified.
01 / THE STARTER BATCH
Five custom captions. One style or a mix.
A manageable first step, not another subscription.
Made for your businessBuilt around your facts, with one writing style or a mix across the five captions.
Delivered togetherOne copy-and-paste batch, with suggested post order and photo ideas, delivered within 3 business days after payment and all needed details are received.
One revision roundOne consolidated set of edits to these five captions, within the original brief, requested within 7 days of delivery.
Caption writing only. No graphics, photography, posting, ad campaigns, reply management, or unlimited revisions.
02 / A COMPLETE SAMPLE BATCH
A deliberately mixed batch: sincere, romance, deadpan announcement, absurd little world, and meta-roast. Five separate posts, each with a useful business detail and a photo idea. All business details below are fictional.
Some mornings need a proper pause. A table, a hot breakfast, and a few minutes before the rest of the day starts asking for things. We’re glad to be part of that. Breakfast at Switchback Diner runs from 6 to 11 a.m. Grab a table or take it with you.
Photo idea: A breakfast plate on a diner table.
The grilled cheese had been holding itself together all morning. Then the tomato soup arrived, warm and far too close. One corner dipped. Cheese stretched across the plate like it had something left to say. The spoon decided this was none of its business. Grilled cheese and tomato soup are Tuesday’s special at Switchback Diner. Dine in or take the story home.
Photo idea: Grilled cheese beside a bowl of tomato soup.
We can confirm that Friday’s burger will be accompanied by fries. This follows extensive discussion between the burger and absolutely nobody. People with lunch plans are encouraged to update them accordingly. Burger and fries are the Friday special at Switchback Diner. Stop in for lunch.
Photo idea: The burger-and-fries special, photographed together.
The slice of apple pie was supposed to be for later. There was a plan. A container was involved. Then a fork appeared, and the entire operation became an inquiry into what “later” really means. Witnesses agree it was technically after the purchase. Add a slice of apple pie to your visit to Switchback Diner, or take one home. We’ll leave the timetable to you.
Photo idea: An apple-pie slice and a fork.
I tried to write a dramatic post about takeout. There was a heroic journey, a sweeping return, and a paragraph about destiny. The food was getting cold in the story. So here’s the version that respects your lunch break: we cook it, you pick it up, and this post ends before anyone gets a backstory. Takeout is available at Switchback Diner. Stop in and pick something good.
Photo idea: A packed takeout meal ready at the counter.
Six different ways to tell it. The offer stays the same; the narrator, stakes, and story change.
The fictional brief: Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
Example Facebook caption · Fictional business
The grilled cheese and tomato soup are back together for Tuesday. No deconstructed bread. No soup served in a thing that used to be a flowerpot. Just lunch, arriving with the unreasonable expectation that you might want to eat it. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
The factual brief stays fixed across all six examples. These are newly written samples, not past client posts or a portfolio of the owner’s writing.
Some lunches are worth sitting down for. Grilled cheese, tomato soup, and a little time away from whatever needs doing next. We’d be glad to see you at a table, and just as glad to pack it up if your Tuesday needs you elsewhere. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
The grilled cheese and tomato soup are back together for Tuesday. No deconstructed bread. No soup served in a thing that used to be a flowerpot. Just lunch, arriving with the unreasonable expectation that you might want to eat it. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
The grilled cheese arrived golden at the edges, acting like it hadn’t dressed up for anyone. Then the tomato soup leaned a little closer. One corner dipped. Cheese stretched between them like a promise neither was prepared to keep. By the time the spoon noticed, lunch had become something people would talk about. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
I sat down to write a dignified post about grilled cheese and tomato soup. The cheese immediately stretched halfway across the plate and ruined the tone. Draft two called it a classic pairing. Too stiff. Draft three gave them a complicated past. Now the soup needs closure and I still need you to know what’s for lunch. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
We can confirm that Tuesday’s grilled cheese will be accompanied by tomato soup. People familiar with dipping have described this as a significant development. A spoon has been made available. We ask everyone to continue with their day as normally as possible. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
Years from now, a guide will point to the booth where someone first decided to dip the grilled cheese. School groups will lean over the rope. A plaque will say THE CORNER WENT IN HERE. For now, there’s no gift shop and you can just order lunch. Switchback Diner’s Tuesday special is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dine in or take it to go.
04 / THE FINE PRINT, WITHOUT THE SQUINT
Your business description, audience, preferred tone, five topics or offers, accurate prices and dates, a desired next step, and any off-limits topics. A few past posts help us match your voice. No social account access is needed.
Five custom captions delivered as one batch, plus suggested post order and photo ideas. You review facts, approve the final wording, add your own images, and publish from your own account. Delivery is within 3 business days after payment and all needed details are received.
Request your one consolidated revision round within 7 days of delivery by sending one combined list of feedback across the original five captions. We revise those captions to match the agreed brief. New promotions, a new direction, extra captions, or further rounds are outside the starter scope and would need a separate agreement.
No. This is writing, not account management. Posting, scheduling, customer replies, design, photography, and paid ads are not included. No engagement or sales result is promised.
The pilot is $49 USD upfront after we agree on the brief. Delivery is within 3 business days after payment and all needed details are received. This is a one-time starter batch, not a subscription.
Send an inquiry first. We’ll confirm the brief and accept the job before sending a payment link. The site does not take payment, and an inquiry does not create an order.
05 / START THE CONVERSATION
Tell us about your business and what you’d like to post. We’ll confirm the brief by email, then send a payment link only after accepting the job.
Start your inquiry >Opens Google Forms in a new tab. Your answers are collected there for Off the Menu Media to review and reply. Don’t include passwords, payment details, or sensitive information.
Choose a writing style in the form, ask for a mix, or let us help you decide. Choices in the sample viewer aren’t automatically carried over.
$49 USD upfront after the brief is agreed. Five captions, delivered within 3 business days after payment and all needed details are received. One consolidated revision round, requested within 7 days of delivery.
Email offthemenumedia@gmail.com
The email link opens your email app; you send the message yourself. An inquiry does not reserve a service or create an order. No payment is taken on this site.